Part 5: “I Think I Have Narcissistic Traits”: What Happens When You Recognize Yourself
Sometimes people begin reading about narcissism because they are trying to understand someone else. Then something uncomfortable happens: they recognize themselves.
Maybe you notice that you become defensive when criticized. Maybe you struggle to apologize, need a lot of reassurance, or feel compelled to control how other people see you. Maybe you have lied, manipulated, changed the story, or blamed someone else even after being confronted about it.
That realization can bring shame, fear, and a question that is hard to say out loud: What if I am the problem?
Recognizing narcissistic traits in yourself does not automatically mean you have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It does mean there may be patterns worth looking at honestly.
Too Long to Read? Here’s What I Want You to Take Away
Having narcissistic traits does not automatically mean you have NPD.
Shame can make people more defensive, controlling, deceptive, or blaming rather than helping them change.
If you keep lying, manipulating, putting others down, or avoiding responsibility even after being called out, the pattern deserves attention.
Change is possible, but it requires honesty, accountability, and repeated changes in behaviour.
Recognizing yourself in this can feel uncomfortable
You do not need to diagnose yourself online. Counselling can give you a place to look honestly at patterns without reducing you to them.
Traits Are Not the Same as a Diagnosis
Most people become defensive sometimes. Most people enjoy praise, compare themselves to others, or have moments when they make a conversation more about themselves than they should.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more persistent. It affects how a person manages self-worth, criticism, relationships, empathy, admiration, and responsibility over time (Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
Research also shows that narcissism is not always obvious confidence or arrogance. Some people move between feeling superior and feeling deeply insecure, ashamed, rejected, or exposed (Ronningstam, 2017; Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
So the more useful question may not be Am I a narcissist? It may be: Do these patterns keep damaging my relationships, and what happens inside me when someone challenges me?
What Happens When You Feel Exposed?
Many narcissistic behaviours make more sense when we look at what happens underneath them.
Research on NPD describes difficulties with self-esteem and emotional regulation, particularly when a person feels criticized, rejected, embarrassed, or exposed (Ronningstam, 2017).
A partner may say, “That hurt me,” but internally you may hear something much bigger: You think I am a terrible person.
That feeling can trigger a quick need to protect yourself. You may argue, blame, withdraw, attack, deny what happened, or change the subject. Sometimes you may lie, leave information out, twist what happened, or manipulate the situation even though you have already been caught doing it before.
The impact on other people can be significant. Repeated dishonesty can destroy trust and make people question what is real.
But simply telling yourself I am a liar may not help you understand why the pattern keeps happening. A more useful question is: What am I afraid will happen if I tell the truth right now?
Are you afraid of being rejected, embarrassed, losing control, facing consequences, or being seen as imperfect? Understanding that does not excuse the lie. It tells you where the work needs to happen.
When You Hurt the People Who Treat You Best
Another difficult pattern can appear in relationships with people who are kind, forgiving, loyal, and giving.
You may notice that the person you criticize, belittle, dismiss, or take for granted is also the person who has given you the most chances. Maybe it is a parent, spouse, sibling, friend, or colleague who consistently shows up for you.
And yet you speak to them in ways you would never speak to someone who might immediately walk away.
Research on narcissistic functioning suggests that unstable self-esteem, shame, and vulnerability can sometimes contribute to defensive and devaluing behaviour when a person feels threatened (Ronningstam, 2017; Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
Putting someone else down may temporarily help you feel more powerful, less dependent, or less exposed. But the effect on the other person is still real.
Kindness is not permission to disrespect someone. Forgiveness is not permission to keep hurting them.
Change begins when you stop asking only why you behave this way and start asking what the behaviour is doing to the people around you.
Accountability Without Hating Yourself
Shame and accountability are not the same thing.
Saying I am horrible. I ruin everything may sound like taking responsibility, but it can actually keep the focus on your own shame.
Accountability sounds different. It means being able to say, I lied because I was afraid of the consequence. It was still my choice. Or, I became defensive instead of listening. Or, I made that conversation about me when you were trying to tell me you were hurt.
This kind of accountability requires tolerating discomfort without immediately escaping it.
Research on empathy and narcissism also suggests that the idea that “narcissists have no empathy” is too simple. Different parts of empathy can be affected in different ways, and the relationship between narcissism and empathy varies depending on the type of narcissistic traits being studied (Simard et al., 2023).
The practical question is not whether you can prove you are an empathetic person. It is whether you can stay present when someone tells you about their pain, especially when you caused some of it.
Can These Patterns Really Change?
Change is possible, but it is usually gradual and requires more than simply recognizing the problem. In a 2023 study of people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder who were engaged in long-term psychotherapy, participants showed meaningful improvements in areas such as emotional regulation, self-awareness, relationships, and overall personality functioning (Ronningstam & Weinberg, 2023). The study was small, so it should not be read as proof that change is easy or guaranteed, but it does challenge the idea that people with NPD are incapable of change.
In practice, change often means learning to respond differently in the very moments when the old pattern is activated. That may involve telling the truth when the instinct is to lie, staying with your own responsibility instead of shifting blame, hearing criticism without immediately attacking or withdrawing, and apologizing without adding an explanation designed to erase the impact. It can also mean learning to tolerate another person’s disappointment without trying to control how they feel about you.
The important point is that insight alone is not enough. Understanding why a pattern developed can create compassion and context, but relationships usually begin to improve when that understanding is followed by different behaviour.
Understanding the pattern matters. Changing the behaviour matters more.
Books I Use as Resources with Clients
Stop Being a Narcissist: Easy Strategies to Break Negative Patterns in Relationships, Stop Toxic & Manipulative Behaviors, Thrive Socially, Build Self-Worth and Transform Your Habits in Just 12 Weeks — Andrew CarlisleA practical self-help guide for people who recognize narcissistic patterns in themselves and want to change them. It focuses on identifying triggers, reducing controlling and manipulative behaviour, strengthening empathy and emotional intelligence, respecting boundaries, becoming more comfortable with vulnerability, and repairing damaged relationships.
Enough! I Refuse to Be a Narcissist Anymore: How to Stop Being a Narcissist — Self-Help for the Narcissist Lost in a World of Narcissism — Katashi YoshimuraA first-person account of recognizing harmful narcissistic patterns and working toward change through reflection, therapy, empathy, and greater personal responsibility. It is written from the perspective of someone describing his own movement away from manipulation and control toward healthier, more authentic relationships.
Read the Rest of the Narcissism Series
If this article resonated with you, you may also find the other parts of the series helpful:
Part 1: The Different Faces of Narcissism: Why It Can Be So Hard to See
Part 2: Raised by a Narcissistic Parent: When Their Needs Always Came First
Part 3: When Your Child Shows Narcissistic Traits: What Parents Need to Know
Part 4: When Narcissism Runs in the Family: How Patterns Get Passed Down
Part 6: Breaking the Cycle: You Can Love Your Family Without Repeating Their Patterns
Want help looking honestly at patterns you want to change?
If you are recognizing defensiveness, control, dishonesty, manipulation, or difficulty taking responsibility in yourself, counselling can help you understand where those patterns came from and practice different ways of responding.
References
Ronningstam, E. (2017). Intersect between self-esteem and emotion regulation in narcissistic personality disorder: Implications for alliance building and treatment. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 4, 3.
Ronningstam, E., & Weinberg, I. (2023). Narcissistic personality disorder: Patterns, processes, and indicators of change in long-term psychotherapy. Journal of Personality Disorders, 37(3), 337–357.
Simard, P., Simard, V., Laverdière, O., & Descôteaux, J. (2023). The relationship between narcissism and empathy: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Research in Personality, 102, 104329.
Weinberg, I., & Ronningstam, E. (2022). Narcissistic personality disorder: Progress in understanding and treatment. Focus, 20(4), 368–377.
