Part 1: The Different Faces of Narcissism: Why It Can Be So Hard to See
Updated: Oct 9
Taylor Swift’s Patient Zero video and lyrics has struck a nerve because it captures something many people struggle to explain: knowing one version of someone in private while everyone else seems to know a completely different version.
That is part of what can make narcissistic relationship patterns so confusing. Narcissism does not always look arrogant, cruel, or obviously self-centred. Sometimes it looks confident. Sometimes hurt. Sometimes extremely generous. Sometimes like the person who always seems to be the victim.
And sometimes the person showing narcissistic traits is someone we love.
I’m Farnaz Farrokhi-Holmes, a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC), Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC), and EMDR Certified Therapist, and the therapist behind Soma House Counselling & Psychotherapy.
This article is Part 1 of a 6-part Narcissism Series I created through my clinical work. It grew out of conversations with clients who are walking on eggshells around narcissistic people in their lives, trying to make sense of confusing relationship patterns, or realizing they are not “going crazy” — they may be experiencing gaslighting, manipulation, or other behaviours that have left them questioning their own memory, judgment, and instincts. Many have told me they wish they had known this information sooner, so I wanted to create practical resources they could return to between sessions — and that might also help others who find themselves navigating something similar.
The series also speaks to people who are beginning to recognize narcissistic tendencies in themselves and want to understand the pattern, take accountability, and make different choices. Across the six parts, I explore relationships, parenting, family dynamics, self-awareness, accountability, and what it can look like to break the cycle.
If a different part of the series speaks more directly to what you are navigating — whether it is a parent, child, family pattern, relationship, or something you are beginning to recognize in yourself — you can continue with the articles below:
Too Long to Read? Here’s What I Want You to Take Away
Narcissism can look confident and entitled, but it can also look insecure, wounded, generous, or self-sacrificing.
Men score somewhat higher on narcissism overall, especially in traits involving entitlement, using others for personal gain, and seeing themselves as especially powerful or suited to lead. Vulnerable narcissism appears much more similar across men and women (Grijalva et al., 2015).
Narcissistic traits are not the same thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and having NPD does not automatically make someone abusive or a “bad person” (Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
You do not need to diagnose someone to recognize that a relationship is hurting you.
Wondering whether this describes a relationship in your life?
If you are trying to make sense of a partner, parent, family member, friend, or workplace relationship, counselling can help you understand the pattern without needing to diagnose the other person.
Narcissism Does Not Always Look the Same
Narcissism exists on a spectrum. Most people like being appreciated, can get defensive, or want to be seen in a positive light from time to time.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is different. It involves long-term patterns that affect how a person sees themselves, handles criticism, relates to others, and manages needs for attention, admiration, and self-worth (Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
Grandiose narcissism is the version most people think of first. Someone may come across as confident, charismatic, competitive, powerful, or focused on status. Those qualities can even be attractive at first. Research has found that narcissistic admiration can increase short-term romantic appeal, while rivalry, put-downs, and competition are more strongly linked with longer-term relationship problems (Wurst et al., 2017).
What first feels like confidence can eventually feel like there is room for only one person’s needs in the relationship.
Vulnerable narcissism can look very different. The person may seem insecure, easily hurt, defensive, ashamed, or very sensitive to criticism. Research has also found that some narcissistic traits are linked with seeing oneself as a victim more often, although that connection depends on the specific traits involved (Fatfouta & Rogoza, 2024).
That does not mean everyone who feels hurt or mistreated is narcissistic. It means someone can genuinely feel wounded and still behave in ways that hurt other people.
Communal narcissism can be even harder to recognize because it may look like kindness, generosity, sacrifice, or being the person who “does everything for everyone.” Research suggests that people high in communal narcissism may see themselves as especially caring, helpful, or moral, even when others do not necessarily see them that way (Gebauer et al., 2012).
The problem is not being generous. The pattern becomes important when generosity turns into leverage: After everything I have done for you...
“Malignant narcissism” is another term people may hear. It is not a separate DSM diagnosis. It is a clinical term used to describe more severe narcissistic traits combined with aggression, exploitation, suspiciousness, or antisocial behaviour.
Are Men More Likely to Be Narcissistic?
Research suggests that men score somewhat higher on narcissism overall than women.
A large review of 355 studies involving more than 470,000 people found that men scored somewhat higher on narcissistic traits overall. The biggest differences were in traits related to feeling entitled to special treatment, using others for personal gain, and seeing oneself as especially powerful or suited to lead (Grijalva et al., 2015).
However, men and women were much more similar when it came to vulnerable narcissism — the more insecure, sensitive, and easily wounded form of narcissism.
So narcissism is not a “male problem.” Women can show grandiose, vulnerable, communal, or harmful narcissistic traits too. Research about averages also cannot tell us whether one individual person is narcissistic.
NPD Is More Complex Than “Bad Behaviour”
People with NPD are often talked about online almost entirely in terms of the harm they may cause.
That harm can be real. But the condition itself is more complicated. Research shows that NPD can involve struggles with self-worth, shame, emotional regulation, relationships, and empathy (Ronningstam, 2017; Weinberg & Ronningstam, 2022).
Empathy is also more complicated than saying “narcissists have none.” Research suggests that different parts of empathy can be affected in different ways, and a person’s ability to respond empathically can change depending on the situation and their motivation (Simard et al., 2023).
Understanding this does not excuse harmful behaviour. It helps explain why criticism, rejection, embarrassment, or feeling exposed can sometimes lead to intense defensiveness.
Treatment can also be difficult, but people with NPD are not automatically incapable of change. In a small long-term psychotherapy study, people with NPD showed meaningful improvements in emotional regulation, self-awareness, relationships, and overall functioning over time (Ronningstam & Weinberg, 2023).
Someone can hurt you and still be a human being struggling with a complex mental health condition. Both things can be true. If you are trying to make sense of a difficult relationship, the most useful question may not be: “Can I prove this person is a narcissist?”
It may be: What happens to me in this relationship? Do you constantly second-guess yourself? Do you manage the other person’s reactions? Do boundaries lead to guilt, withdrawal, anger, or punishment? Are your needs regularly pushed aside?
You do not need a diagnosis to take those patterns seriously.
Books I Use as Resources with Clients
These are some of the books I often recommend or draw from when working with clients who are navigating narcissistic traits or relationships in their lives:
It’s Not You — Ramani Durvasula, PhD
Should I Stay or Should I Go? — Ramani Durvasula, PhD
Disarming the Narcissist — Wendy T. Behary, LCSW
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist — Margalis Fjelstad, PhD, LMFT
Read the Rest of the Narcissism Series
If this article resonated with you, you may also find the other parts of the series helpful:
Part 2: Raised by a Narcissistic Parent: When Their Needs Always Came First
Part 3: When Your Child Shows Narcissistic Traits: What Parents Need to Know
Part 4: When Narcissism Runs in the Family: How Patterns Get Passed Down
Part 5: “I Think I Have Narcissistic Traits”: What Happens When You Recognize Yourself
Part 6: Breaking the Cycle: You Can Love Your Family Without Repeating Their Patterns
Want help making sense of these patterns?
If you are recognizing narcissistic traits or relationship dynamics in your own life, counselling can help you understand what is happening, how it is affecting you, and what healthier boundaries or next steps might look like.
References
Fatfouta, R., & Rogoza, R. (2024). Playing the victim? Facets of narcissism, self-perceived victimhood, and the mediating role of negative affect. Advances in Cognitive Psychology, 20(2), 92–97.
Gebauer, J. E., Sedikides, C., Verplanken, B., & Maio, G. R. (2012). Communal narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(5), 854–878.
Grijalva, E., Newman, D. A., Tay, L., Donnellan, M. B., Harms, P. D., Robins, R. W., & Yan, T. (2015). Gender differences in narcissism: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 141(2), 261–310.
Ronningstam, E. (2017). Intersect between self-esteem and emotion regulation in narcissistic personality disorder: Implications for alliance building and treatment. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 4, 3.
Ronningstam, E., & Weinberg, I. (2023). Narcissistic personality disorder: Patterns, processes, and indicators of change in long-term psychotherapy. Journal of Personality Disorders, 37(3), 337–357.
Simard, P., Simard, V., Laverdière, O., & Descôteaux, J. (2023). The relationship between narcissism and empathy: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Research in Personality, 102, 104329.
Weinberg, I., & Ronningstam, E. (2022). Narcissistic personality disorder: Progress in understanding and treatment. Focus, 20(4), 368–377.
Wurst, S. N., et al. (2017). Narcissism and romantic relationships: The differential impact of narcissistic admiration and rivalry. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112(2), 280–306.
