Why You Feel Like Different Parts of You Are Fighting Each Other (And How IFS Therapy Can Help)

Have you ever caught yourself thinking:

"Part of me knows I need to leave this relationship... but another part keeps making excuses."

"I know I'm safe now, so why can't I relax?"

"I keep saying I'll stop people-pleasing, but I always end up putting everyone else first."

"I know what I should do... so why can't I actually do it?"

If so, you're not broken—and you're certainly not alone.

Many people living with trauma, grief, anxiety, or chronic stress describe feeling like they're constantly pulled in different directions. One part wants to move forward, while another holds on tightly. One part longs for connection, while another fears getting hurt. One part is exhausted, while another refuses to slow down.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a compassionate way to understand these inner conflicts. Rather than asking, "What's wrong with me?", IFS asks a different question:

"What part of you learned this was necessary for survival?"

What Is Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy?

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an evidence-informed psychotherapy model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It is widely used in trauma therapy because it recognizes something many people instinctively know:

We all have different parts of ourselves.

These parts are not multiple personalities. Rather, they are distinct patterns of thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and nervous system responses that developed to help us adapt to life's experiences.

Some parts work hard to keep us organized.

Others protect us from emotional pain.

Some carry the wounds of difficult experiences.

From an IFS perspective, none of these parts are "bad." Even the behaviours that create difficulties today often began as intelligent survival strategies.

The goal isn't to eliminate these parts—it's to understand them, appreciate the jobs they've been doing, and help them feel safe enough to step out of survival mode.

A Neuroscience Perspective: Why Your Brain Creates Protective Parts

One of the reasons I integrate IFS with neuroscience is because the two fit together remarkably well. Your brain is designed to keep you alive—not necessarily comfortable. When overwhelming experiences occur, especially during childhood or periods of chronic stress, the brain rapidly develops protective strategies to reduce emotional pain and increase the chances of survival. Over time, these strategies become deeply established neural pathways and automatic nervous system responses.

What IFS calls parts can be understood as organized protective patterns that your brain and nervous system created to help you adapt. Your perfectionism wasn't random. Your anxiety wasn't random. Your people-pleasing wasn't random. Your emotional shutdown wasn't random.

They were adaptive responses that once served an important purpose.

The challenge is that many of these protective responses continue long after the danger has passed. Therapy helps your brain and nervous system recognize that what once kept you safe may no longer be necessary.

At the Centre of IFS Is the Self

One of the most hopeful aspects of IFS is the belief that beneath every protective part is your authentic Self. The Self isn't something you have to create.

It's already there.

When Self is leading, you naturally experience qualities that Richard Schwartz describes as the 8 Cs of Self:

• Calm

• Curiosity

• Clarity

• Compassion

• Confidence

• Courage

• Creativity

• Connectedness

These qualities aren't about becoming a different person. They're about reconnecting with the person you were before survival became your default way of living.

As Self begins to lead, your protective parts don't disappear—they simply don't have to work so hard.

Understanding Your Protective Parts

IFS groups protective parts into three broad categories.

Managers

Managers work tirelessly to prevent emotional pain before it happens. They often sound like:

"Don't make mistakes."

"Keep everyone happy."

"Stay busy."

"Don't let anyone see you're struggling."

Managers may show up as:

• Perfectionism

• Overachievement

• People-pleasing

• Overthinking

• Hyper-independence

• Constant planning and preparation

These parts aren't trying to make your life difficult. They're trying to stop you from getting hurt.

Firefighters

Firefighters step in after overwhelming emotions have already been activated. Their job is to extinguish emotional pain as quickly as possible. They may encourage you to:

• Emotionally shut down

• Scroll endlessly

• Drink or overeat

• Become impulsive

• Lash out in anger

• Avoid difficult conversations

• Numb through work or distraction

Although these behaviours sometimes create new problems, they usually developed because they helped you survive overwhelming situations.

Exiles

Exiles carry the deepest emotional wounds. These parts often hold:

• Childhood trauma

• Grief and loss

• Shame

• Fear

• Loneliness

• Rejection

• Abandonment

Because these emotions can feel overwhelming, protective parts work very hard to keep Exiles hidden. Healing doesn't happen by forcing these wounded parts to relive painful experiences.

Healing happens when they finally experience safety, compassion, and connection.

Why We Experience Inner Conflict

Many clients tell me, "I feel like I'm fighting with myself all the time."

From an IFS perspective, that makes perfect sense. Imagine someone who grew up needing to stay constantly alert because home never felt emotionally safe. Today, one protective part may desperately want rest. Another may insist, "If you let your guard down, something bad will happen."

Or perhaps one part wants to trust people. Another says, "Remember what happened last time."

These aren't signs that you're weak or indecisive. They're signs that different protective parts learned different lessons about how to survive.

Common Protective Parts You May Recognize

Many people recognize themselves in one or more of these protective patterns:

• The Inner Critic

• The Perfectionist

• The People-Pleaser

• The Caretaker

• The Overthinker

• The Achiever

• The Avoider

• The Emotional Numb Part

• The Hyper-Independent Part

• The Part That Always Expects the Worst

IFS doesn't ask, "How do we get rid of these?" Instead, it asks, "What are they trying to protect?"

That simple shift often reduces shame and opens the door to lasting healing.

How IFS Helps Trauma, PTSD, Grief, and Anxiety

Trauma changes the nervous system.

After trauma, your brain becomes highly efficient at detecting potential danger. The amygdala—the brain's alarm system—may become more sensitive, while the body learns to remain prepared for threats that are no longer present. This can lead to:

• Hypervigilance

• Anxiety

• Emotional overwhelm

• Emotional numbness

• Difficulty relaxing

• Feeling disconnected from yourself

• Intrusive memories

• Constant self-monitoring

IFS works with these protective adaptations rather than against them. Instead of trying to suppress symptoms, we become curious about the parts creating them. Together we can:

• Understand why protective parts developed

• Reduce internal conflict

• Build trust between your parts and your Self

• Help wounded parts heal safely

• Support your nervous system in recognizing that the danger has passed

Rather than asking, "What's wrong with you?", we begin asking, "What happened to you—and how did your system learn to survive?"

What an IFS-Informed Therapy Session Feels Like

IFS is not about forcing you to revisit painful memories before you're ready.

My approach is collaborative, appropriately directive, trauma-informed, and neuroscience-guided.

Sessions often involve slowing down enough to notice what is happening inside without becoming overwhelmed. Together we might:

• Notice where emotions show up in your body

• Identify which protective parts are activated

• Understand what those parts are afraid might happen

• Explore what those parts need in order to feel safer

• Strengthen your connection to Self

Depending on your goals, I often integrate IFS with EMDR, nervous system regulation, somatic therapy, attachment-informed psychotherapy, and other evidence-based approaches.

You Don't Have to Fight Yourself Anymore

One of the most meaningful shifts clients experience through IFS is realizing they no longer need to be at war with themselves. The perfectionist isn't the enemy. The anxious part isn't trying to ruin your life. The people-pleasing part isn't weak. The part that shuts down isn't broken.

They're all trying to protect something that once felt too overwhelming to carry alone.

When those parts begin to trust that your wiser, calmer Self can lead, they often soften naturally.

That's where lasting change begins.

Therapy at Soma House Counselling & Psychotherapy

At Soma House Counselling & Psychotherapy, I integrate Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, somatic therapy, attachment-informed psychotherapy, and neuroscience-informed counselling to help clients understand their protective patterns, regulate their nervous system, and move beyond survival mode.

Whether you're navigating trauma, PTSD, Complex PTSD, grief and loss, anxiety, burnout, ADHD, or relationship challenges, therapy can help you understand not only what you're experiencing—but why your brain and nervous system developed those patterns in the first place.

I offer in-person counselling in Nanaimo and secure virtual therapy throughout British Columbia.

If you're wondering whether IFS therapy is right for you, I invite you to book a complimentary 15-minute consultation or schedule your first session through my online booking portal: https://somahouse.janeapp.com/

About Farnaz Farrokhi-Holmes, RCC, CCC, MACP

Farnaz Farrokhi-Holmes is the founder of Soma House Counselling & Psychotherapy in Nanaimo, British Columbia. She is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) and Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC) who specializes in trauma, PTSD, Complex PTSD, grief and loss, anxiety, burnout, ADHD, and relationship challenges.

Her approach is trauma-informed, neuroscience-guided, collaborative, and appropriately directive, integrating Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, somatic therapy, Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT), and other evidence-based approaches to help clients better understand their brain, nervous system, and protective patterns so they can create meaningful, lasting change.

References

Buys, M. E. (2025). Exploring the evidence for Internal Family Systems therapy: A scoping review of current research, gaps, and future directions. Clinical Psychologist, 29(3), 241–260. https://doi.org/10.1080/13284207.2025.2533127

Comeau, A., Smith, L. J., Smith, L., Soumerai Rea, H., Ward, M. C., Creedon, T. B., Sweezy, M., Rosenberg, L. G., & Schuman-Olivier, Z. (2024). Online group-based Internal Family Systems treatment for posttraumatic stress disorder: Feasibility and acceptability of the Program for Alleviating and Resolving Trauma and Stress. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 16(Suppl. 3), S636–S640. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001688

Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model. Sounds True.